Tiny Brave Human

I'm tired of thinking about being unemployed. It's a nagging cloud hanging over me. I AM trying to find a job but the type of job I'm looking for and the current condition of the job market means that what I'm really looking for is serendipity, kismet, luck. What I've concluded is that the only way for me to find a job is to ask a lot of people for a lot of help.

Unfortunately, nothing scares me more than asking people for help. What if they reject me or judge me? What if the conversation is awkward? What if I'm bothering them?

Ironically, I LOVE being asked for help.

Why am I so hyper-independent? Why do I believe that others can't or won't help me? It's not like I was neglected as a child. But I did often feel misunderstood by the adults around me and even more so by my peers. I got used to feeling uncomfortable and on the outside. At the same time, I was praised for my good behavior and obedience. I was "a joy to have in class" kind of kid. I generally just surrendered to my lack of agency and went along with whatever I was asked to do.

I was recently reading The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. The authors concluding that it's really important to teach young girls to be a pain in the ass. Don't constantly praise them for being well behaved because it will become their identity. It signals that their worth is largely determined by their willingness to acquiesce.

I wish I had been more of a pain in the ass as a kid because it would be a lot easier to ask for what I want and need as an adult.

When I was a kid, I was always creating things. I was a writer, an artist, a crafter, an explorer. When I graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, I pursued my need to create in a way I wasn't expecting; I joined a tech company as a software developer.

At the end of 2024, after nearly 22 years working in tech, I was laid off from my job as an engineering manager. Since then, I've done a lot of thinking. Is there still a place for me in tech? Is there still a place for tech in me? I'm tired of the noise, the greed, the lack of authenticity. In short, I've been worn down by the accelerating enshitification of a medium I used to love.

I loved the clunkiness and simplicity of the early internet. It felt democratic, accessible and vast. It felt unpolished and rebellious. In 2025, the internet feels small and highly centralized. The products and services we use are owned by a handful of companies. Instead of amplifying our human voices, the internet regurgitates an infinitely looping echo chamber of nonsense.

Until I was laid off, I wasn't entirely sure I had an identity outside of work. As I slowly recover from the trauma of the last few years, I've rediscovered my creativity. I've started writing again. I've started experiencing things again. It's a weird dichotomy. On one hand, I worry endlessly about my lack of employment. On the other hand, I enjoy having the space to be myself.

I honestly have no idea what's next for me. I have difficulty seeing where I fit into an increasingly dehumanizing world. The job descriptions I read are joyless and indistinguishable from one another. They sound punitive instead of aspirational. So I've written my own job description:

Description:

Looking for a human to create something meaningful.

Qualification:

• Quirky and introverted but also weirdly enjoys leadership.
• Emotionally mature, mostly kind, and deeply introspective.
• Extensive knowledge of random, irrelevant, and esoteric topics.
• Mastery of superfluously large words and proper oxford comma placement.
• Breadth of incomplete technical skills with spotty recall.
• Irreverent sense of humor punctuated by profuse profanity.

Anyone hiring?